A Christmas Letter

Dear friends and family,

What a spectacular year it has been for all of us in the Cooper family. Since our move last year, everything’s just been looking up. I hardly know where to begin!

I guess it all started early January, when little Jimmy was released from juvie. They said there was a breach of legal procedure when collecting a key piece of evidence — but we think the little rascal just bribed his way out, haha!

By February, we really had a full house. Sally decided not to abort her pregnancy, insisting she could get through grade 10 just fine with a baby — when much to our surprise, she popped out twins! Between them, Jimmy being back, Uncle Fred, and Gramps living with us (still, haha!) it was a bit crowded in our little place.

Luckily, real estate here on Mars is cheap cheap cheap, so in March we packed our bags once more and moved to a bigger house. And this time, we got a one-story, so Gramps wouldn’t fall and break his hip again, haha! Mars really is amazing.

By April, Uncle Fred finally croaked from the syphilis, so we held a huge celebration party. You should have seen the crowd and how happy everyone was! We even stuffed him full of condoms so the kids could use him as a piƱata, and learn how to avoid Uncle Fred’s mistakes at the same time, haha!

In May, a freak duststorm off the unterraformed plains destroyed our property while we were on a family trip to the brothels, so we were off on another real estate adventure! No rest for the wicked, haha! Luckily, Jimmy knew some guys and all they asked for their place was that they could use the basement as a grow-op. So, lucky us!

Tragedy struck in June, though, when Gramps got into a knife fight with a martian. The poor martian. Never stood a chance, and we’re still stuck with Gramps.

We spent all July on a vacation to the edge of the system to visit our friends the Andersons, who’s been shipped to an asteroid by the Robot Council. But apparently the Council doesn’t like visitors, because they killed Sally while we were trying to escape, haha! So, now we’re stuck with the twins. The Robot Council gave us a nice soylent green pie as recompense, though!

Amid all this excitement, August was a pretty boring month. We had to hole up indoors most of the time because of the martian revolution against the Robot Council. The chemical weapons gave the twins lung problems — their lungs literally tried to climb up out of their throats, haha! Luckily, Gramps’ vodka was strong enough to sedate the little buggers, but then we had to take the twins in for brain damage treatments. Apparently that much alcohol isn’t good for them — who knew? Haha!

The martians lost, of course. They’re all dead now.

In September, the whole family was kidnapped by corporate scientists and put through a series of tests like lab rats. Good thing the Robot Council had those pesky human rights charters vaporized — what an adventure it was! The best part was, we were all promised cake if we succeeded. Only Jimmy did, though. We haven’t seen him since — the scientists told us he’s living on Jupiter now.

In October, we were amazed to discover that the treatments we’d bought for the twins had radically accelerated their mental development and imbued them with secret plans to bring down the Robot Council. That was a surprising turn of events, haha! Now they’re heading up a massive rebellion movement from their cribs, ordering covert assassinations between naps. We never thought our little home would be the centre for a political coup — but Gramps said he saw it coming. I think he’s been in the LSD cache again, haha!

By the time November came around, Gramps’ fits were getting worse. As you might remember from last year, he has an unfortunate condition where he suddenly turns into a killing machine until a safe phrase is said to him, thanks to childhood experiments. Well, he slaughtered half the extended family at Thanksgiving celebrations before we managed to get his hearing aid fixed so we could say the phrase. Good thing they were the in-laws nobody really liked, haha! Anyway, we decided it was finally time to put Gramps down, so we took him out behind the shed and shot him. Then we dismembered him to hide the evidence — but not before discovering what great stocking stuffers severed feet make!

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