There aren’t a lot of things in this life that I don’t like, when I look at the big picture. I mean, sure I might not like the Westboro Baptist Church, homophobes in general, the fact that I need to work for a living. But big picture? I’m generally a fan of life. Ultimately, life is good. There’s love and there’s friendship and there’s hope and fun and enjoyment and pleasure and happiness. There’s good music and good wine and good times with good people, and everything else is secondary.
But if there’s one thing in life, one big picture Life-with-a-capital-L thing that I’ve never been on good terms with, it’s change.
Maybe it’s that I want to be in complete control of my life, that I want to be able to foresee everything that happens to me because I planned it that way. Maybe it’s that I’m not good at adapting to new situations, that I get comfortable and know what to expect and don’t want to have to do anything different.
Either way, I’ve never handled change well — sometimes even when I am in control. When I first went to university and moved from small-town Ontario to Vancouver and left behind a boatload of friends I’d known for ten years, I literally cried over several days. Even though it was my choice to go. Even though this was what I ultimately wanted.
When I was working and my manager — the one who had hired me, who had trained me, who had become more a friend than a boss — left the job (to go on to better things, no less), I didn’t handle it well. When there’s unexpected change in my (decidedly poor) love-life, I don’t handle it well. Anything that changes the status quo, anything that upsets what I have begun to expect from life, anything that alters what I envisioned my future to be like.
But of course, life is change. Nothing stays the same. You have to adapt, you have to move on.
All the time.
But that doesn’t make it easier.
And though my brain knows it will never come, my heart still waits for a time when I will settle into a life that is as I want it, and never change. It’s an impossible dream. And one day maybe I’ll learn to accept change as it comes.
But that day is not now. Now, I still fight change. I still handle it poorly. I still cry.