Today’s post is based on this article entitled A YA Op-Ed Mad Lib, For Your Editorial-Writing Convenience, a jab at all those bad articles about YA. I have filled it in for my own amusement. Enjoy.

Now, first of all, let me be clear: I don’t actually read YA–I just skimmed the jacket copy for The Hunger Games in the bookstore. YA is for babies, and I’m no baby! I’m a PROFESSOR OF PHILOSOPHY (did you know ALL studies were once philosophy? That means I’m a Professor of EVERYTHING). But, like other adults, I can’t help but UNTHINKINGLY OPINE about young people today and their SMART PHONES. The kids are so DISTURBING that they’re practically snorting TEDDY BEARS and having INNOCENT sex on my lawn! You know why? Smutty, smutty young adult books, is why! Kids tainted by the current crop of teen-oriented filth will waste no time in engaging in a wide variety of self-destructive behaviors, such as ANOREXIA, TWIDDLING their THUMBS, dabbling in witchcraft, and setting fire to PILLOWS. I’ve heard these books even turn kids homosexual!

You know what I miss? The Good Old Days, that magical time in the 1800’S when SLAVES knew their place, teenagers didn’t even know what SCHOOL was, and writers wrote books that were BORING. Nothing makes me feel better than conjuring up fallacious images of an illusory past, populated exclusively with white, upper-middle-class children who were untarnished paragons of innocence, not these RAINBOW-COLOURED, FLUFFY, SPARKLING little FEATHER BOASRainbow Boa running feral in the streets and “sexting” each other FLAMBOYANT pictures of themselves! The problem isn’t a hypercommodified culture in the terminal stages of capitalism; problematic dominant-culture representations of marginalized populations; media conglomerates that propagate heteronormative constructions of gender and sexuality; my own projected anxieties; or The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. No, the problem with everything is teenagers reading books for teenagers. In fact, teenagers reading books is just about the most awful thing I can think of, with one exception! There is one book for teens that doesn’t lead to depravity, SASHAYING, and DANCING. That, of course, is my book, which you can buy HERE.

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