Juvenilia — The Nova Dragon

Over on her blog Deus Ex Machinatio, Andrea Phillips put out a call for writers to post the crappy stuff we wrote when we were younger. She posted something she wrote as a teenager — I decided I should go further back, since it wasn’t all that long ago I was a teenager. So here, from the depths of Grade 4, is a story I wrote called the Nova Dragon.

What I find most hilarious about this piece is that is was actually intended as a parody of the fantasy genre, and it actually holds up well in that respect. I mean, the writing is about what you’d expect from someone in grade 4 (I used a lot of exclamation marks) but the parody elements themselves are so on the mark. Without further ado:

The Nova Dragon

A Fantasy Parody

by Lucas Johnson [in Grade 4]

 

image from wikipedia. it's a dragon.

It was a dark and stormy night.  Actually, it was a bright and sunny day, but I’ve always wanted to start a story like that.  It was always sunny around here, thanks to Merlin MCCXXX (the 1,230th).  He was the wizard in this castle.  His spell made it sunny all the time.

Before I carry on with the story, I should introduce myself.  I am Darkenshira-Brodinbird Kacheramire, but since that name is so long, everyone calls me Dark.  I am a knight of the triangular table.  King Gradsimothom III built the table for the knights of the realm.

After the table was built a prophecy was made.  “Thee of the Triangular Table, who kills the awful Nova Dragon, will prove himself the son of the Great L. L. L. Louis.”  I came from a far off land because of this.

You are probably wondering about this prophecy.  The Great L. L. L. Louis is the greatest knight of all.  He is the movie star of the medieval world.  His great sword, the Excali-bird, was the only thing great enough to kill the powerful Disease Dragon, which at the time was killing everyone with the Babunonic Plague.

The Nova Dragon is a fierce beast.  No one has fought it and come back alive.   Come to think of it, no one has even fought it.  I, like many others, have gotten as far as his cave, but the dungeon has many fierce monsters in it that have caused me to lose an arm and a leg.  Luckily, Merlin has a spell that can grow back limbs.

Anyway, now that you know the background of this story, let’s carry on.  So I was walking along in the courtyard of the castle Bringamhammer, when I saw a cloud nearing the castle.  That must mean that something has happened to Merlin!  I started running towards the entrance to the castle, but because the castle is very, very, very large, by the time I even got half way there, a storm had started.  By the time I got to the door, I was soaked through with rain.  I entered the castle and a servant brought me a towel to dry myself with.  I quickly ran up the steps to Merlin’s tower to see what had happened.  When I got there, King Grads and the Queen were already there.

“What happened?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” said King Grads.  “When we got here he’d left.”

I went to the window, which happened to be open, and looked outside to see if I could pick up any clues.  When I looked up at the sky I saw a cloud shaped like the number “13.”

“AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!” I yelled.

“What’s wrong?” asked the Queen.

“That cloud is shaped like the number 13,” I said.

“Oh my,” said King Grads.  “That can only mean one thing.”

Something terrible has happened to Merlin,” we all said together.

*     *     *     *     *

I was standing in my room, looking out at the now cleared sky.  What could have happened to Merlin?  Then I saw the strangest thing.  A cloud was shaped like the Excali-bird!  Then I realized that maybe the Nova Dragon had taken Merlin!  I was trying to figure out what could have happened to him, when I realized I needed a bit of rest.  I lay down on my bed and instantly fell asleep.

*     *     *     *     *

I was woken with a start.  King Grads was standing over my bed with a sword in his hands.  “Your time has come, Dark!” he said to me.

“My time?” I asked quizzically.

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