Christmas Letter 2013

Dear friends and family,

Well, it’s been another crazy year. As you all know, it started in January. You’d think we’d be used to that by now. It does seem to happen every year. Regardless, we rallied pretty quickly, just in time for February to arrive without any sort of notice. The nerve of some people, you know? At least it didn’t stay for as long as the others.

March came in like a lion. Well, with a lion. Scared the bejeezus out of us. We managed to distract her with a laser pointer, though — turns out they really are just big cats.

April brought some strange weather with it. Showers, sure, but mostly consisting of glitter and kittens. We set up big pads and stuff to save the kittens when they fell — luckily terminal velocity for cats isn’t enough to kill them. We still haven’t gotten the glitter out of everything, though. It gets in the craziest places.

May’s flowers were ferocious. I almost lost a finger! Never seen such bloodthirsty little buggers before. I swear they’re putting something in the water these days. Or maybe it was glitter. Anyway, we lost a few kittens, sadly. On the other hand, there haven’t been nearly as many bugs this year. Silver lining, I guess?

Speaking of silver linings, in June we were attacked by pirates insisting that we lived over an ancient buried stash of Mexican silver. I have no idea how they got their ship up beside our house, we’re not that close to the beach. Sheer willpower, perhaps. Anyway, the lion helped get rid of them.

In July we took our new floating pirate ship for a holiday to Olympia. Those Greek gods sure know how to party, let me tell you. Dionysus brought out this special nectar he’d been saving for a special occasion (apparently flying pirate ships qualify) and boy did that shake things up. I can see why they warn mortals against drinking the drink of the gods. Wooey. We spent several nights with Apollo, Ganymedes, and Hermes, that’s all I’ll say.

That’s actually all I can remember, honestly. August and September are kind of a blur. Nectar, man.

October proved a little more stressful. Work got really busy towards the end of the year. Not a day went by that I wasn’t dealing with crazy clients who wanted me to assassinate competitors, torture rivals, or defer payments. I had to dodge ninjas twice! It would’ve helped if we still had that March lion, but I think she must have been left on Olympus. I hope she’s ok.

November was calmer. We holed up in a cave in the woods, barricaded with electric fencing and a dragon. It was very peaceful. I’m not sure I still have a job, though. I haven’t asked.

And now it’s December and Christmas time, our favourite time of year, when all the little elves come out to frolic in the snow and cast their spells of enforced peace and harmony like magical little pixie dystopian dictators. I did see a few get eaten by the flowers that had survived the cold. Tis the season!

Hope all of you are well. I guess this Christmas letter thing is becoming a bit of a tradition. And watch out for creepy tentacled things bringing in the new year!

Leave a comment